I just love the smell of the new year when you first take off the wrapper on Jan. 1. It smells of hope and the promise of good things. And because of that, we all tend to make New Year's resolutions to ensure the shine doesn't wear off the year too quickly.
Frankly, I'm bored with trying to improve myself. Oh, I'll work on it, because it needs doing, but I've discovered its much more fun to make resolutions for others. This year, I've got a list of resolves for our pets. Feel free to clip this out and tuck it under their food bowls.
FOR THE CATS
  • I resolve to eat whatever food is presented to me instead of turning up my nose at something I loved yesterday and throwing my owner into a tizzy trying to find a brand I will eat.
  • I'll only sharpen my claws on the designated scratching post, not my owner's new couch or the kid next door.
  • I will use the litter box faithfully and accurately.
  • I won't bite my owner for no apparent reason when she pets me.
  • I know you'd like me to enjoy dress-up time, but that's one resolution I can't make. Hats, dresses and sweaters are for the dogs.
  • I resolve to only throw up hairballs on the linoleum, not the carpet.
  • I will try -- try, mind you -- to pretend I like it when my owner's friend visits and talks baby talk to me. I reserve the right, however, to slink away with attitude if she calls me "sweetums."
  • I pledge to keep the house free of mice, rats and other creatures, unless I'm bored and want something to play with other than the 3,536 expensive toys my owner has bought me.
  • I pledge to stop being so predictably unpredictable.
    FOR THE DOGS
  • I promise only to eat what is put in my bowl and not whatever disgusting thing I come across on the street.
  • I will learn to avoid poop, not roll in it.
  • I will not bark insanely at invisible cats, unless I suspect they are sneaking up on me.
  • I resolve to try to love the postal carrier.
  • I will stop chewing on expensive shoes, unless they are left out for me, and seriously, how do you expect me to tell the difference?
  • I will not wander the house looking for dropped or abandoned food and eating it like I haven't been fed in six years.
  • I will not embarrass my owner on walks by attempting to chase bicycles, even if they are the devil's playthings, or by lunging at the nice woman who just wanted to say hello.
    So these are my resolutions; here's what the actual pets came up with.
    FROM THE CAT
  • I will continue to do whatever I want and if you don't like it, just put the can opener on the ground and back away.
  • I will continue my war against the furniture and the dog.
  • I will love you one minute and rip you to pieces the next, because that's just what I do.
    FROM THE DOG
  • I will continue to be completely adorable so that you won't be mad at me for all those things that really annoy you.
  • I will not rest until I have peed on every tree, shrub, pole and blade of grass in the neighborhood.
  • I resolve to keep you safe from foes real and imaginary.
    Contact Joan Morris at jmorris@bayareanewsgroup.com. Follow her atTwitter.com/AskJoanMorris. Read more of her Animal Life columns atwww.mercurynews.com/animal-life.